Embracing Deceitful and Wicked

I remind myself that it's safe here.  This little corner of the universe is a safe place for my heart to open up and bleed upon paper.

And so...  candles are lit and I watch the flame flicker.  I debate touching my fingers in the wax like I used to when my parents weren't looking, because

it was brave.  and bad.

I liked the mask it created upon my fingertips.  I'd peel it off little by little in amazement of the process.

 

I've thought back to that little girl many times lately.  Her actions still hold #secretmessages within them awaiting discovery.  At times, I see her so clearly sitting under a tree, 

hiding.  

She often crossed her fingers, wishing and hoping that nobody would find her because she needed time to reckon with herself.  She tried to convince herself that she wasn't evil for thinking such wild thoughts.  She traced her secrets onto branches.

Somewhere along the way her heart was silenced.  The battle was lost.

"Hearts are deceitful and wicked," they told her.  The Bible says so.  Her heart was the reason she was evil.  The heart couldn't be trusted.

She learned not to trust herself.  She learned to ignore her heart.

She became what they said she should become.  Putting on the costume of "should and shouldn't" she clung to them tightly.  This worked for a while, until fingers got sore.  She couldn't hold on any longer and the only one left to catch the fall once her grip gave way...was me.

The heart she'd tried so hard to ignore.  Now we are left with much un-learning but the outlook is bright.