It's after midnight and once again I'm restless. Tossing and turning I can't seem to quiet my mind. I keep thinking about light.
I'm reminded of waking, though not by choice. I'm trying to figure out what this "wild woman" wants with me that keeps howling at the moon while I'm trying to get some sleep.
Its been one of those days today, when I feel as though I say all the wrong things and want so desperately to wave a wand and make everything all better. Like. Now. Life doesn't work that way. Well, mine doesn't.
I wonder about going back to "normal" and how everyone says it will fix it all. I don't believe it to be true. Why? Because I feel that even though I see so much darkness right now, even though sleep isn't coming and I often feel as though I'm stumbling in the dark.. I ponder waking .. and sleeping and ..
light. Faint. light.
~ ~ ~
But I want fireworks.
I want a bright light that makes everything glow. I tell my friend Rain that perhaps too much light is blinding, trying to convince myself that this is truth. That I don't need that bright light. The words just came out of nowhere as I typed up the comment, and yet, it's as if I was answering my own soul inquiry. It's not about convincing myself, but it's about remembering meanings, secret messages in everything...
We had an incident this afternoon with my husband:
He was cleaning his motorcycle this morning and some chemical happened to get blown up into his eyes. I wasn't out there at the time but when I came walking out, I found him stumbling. One hand was covering his face and the other was outstretched, searching, for someone.
He moved slowly. Cautiously. Yet there was a hunger in his body language. "Someone help, I need help," he said.
I ran to him, grabbed his one arm as he breathlessly requested water because he couldn't see. I ran as quickly as I could up the stairs and to the nearest water supply, pulling him along. I watched with my heart beating wildly as we attempted to clean the liquid out of his eyes and hope that his sight regained.
It took time.
His sight was cloudy at first.
I feel as though my sight is still cloudy, Im "rinsing my eyes out," and just waiting for the cloudy sight to become clear.
~ ~ ~
I've tried to convince myself over and over again that it needs to be greater, that I need more glow, more rainbow colored filters of which to see it all through.
if I just forced myself to keep my eyes open without rinsing them,
it would bring the joy and happiness to my tired weary soul.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Light twinkles dimly on my incense burning next to me and I know. I can breathe here. It feels safe. It feels right. So why should I be in such a hurry to leave. I need to embrace the faint light that dances with the darkness. I'm before my very own "water source" and the repetitive rinsing is slowly bringing relief. This path. Right now,
I can't take more than a little glow.
Too much light, too many answers would be blinding and scare me back into dark corner where I am so used to hiding. As long as there is a little glimmer in the distance, as long as our eyes are cloudy and not blind, I believe, we will make it.
After all, there are a tribe of hands pulling us along when we need pain relief.