Thursday, August 16, 2012

Insomnia ~

Restless tonight.  Can't stop thinking about that little bit of light. #secretmessages

It's after midnight and once again I'm restless.  Tossing and turning I can't seem to quiet my mind.  I keep thinking about light.

I'm reminded of waking, though not by choice.  I'm trying to figure out what this "wild woman" wants with me that keeps howling at the moon while I'm trying to get some sleep.

Its been one of those days today, when I feel as though I say all the wrong things and want so desperately to wave a wand and make everything all better.  Like. Now.  Life doesn't work that way.  Well, mine doesn't.

I wonder about going back to "normal" and how everyone says it will fix it all.  I don't believe it to be true.  Why?  Because I feel that even though I see so much darkness right now, even though sleep isn't coming and I often feel as though I'm stumbling in the dark.. I ponder waking .. and sleeping and ..

light.  Faint.  light.

~ ~ ~

But I want fireworks.  

I want a bright light that makes everything glow.  I tell my friend Rain that perhaps too much light is blinding, trying to convince myself that this is truth.  That I don't need that bright light.  The words just came out of nowhere as I typed up the comment, and yet, it's as if I was answering my own soul inquiry.  It's not about convincing myself, but it's about remembering meanings, secret messages in everything...  

We had an incident this afternoon with my husband:

He was cleaning his motorcycle this morning and some chemical happened to get blown up into his eyes.  I wasn't out there at the time but when I came walking out, I found him stumbling.  One hand was covering his face and the other was outstretched, searching, for someone.

He moved slowly.  Cautiously.  Yet there was a hunger in his body language.  "Someone help, I need help," he said.

I ran to him, grabbed his one arm as he breathlessly requested water because he couldn't see.  I ran as quickly as I could up the stairs and to the nearest water supply, pulling him along.  I watched with my heart beating wildly as we attempted to clean the liquid out of his eyes and hope that his sight regained.  

It took time.  

His sight was cloudy at first.  

I feel as though my sight is still cloudy, Im "rinsing my eyes out," and just waiting for the cloudy sight to become clear.  

~ ~ ~

I've tried to convince myself over and over again that it needs to be greater, that I need more glow, more rainbow colored filters of which to see it all through.  

if I just forced myself to keep my eyes open without rinsing them, 
it would bring the joy and happiness to my tired weary soul.  

Fake it till you make it, right?

Light twinkles dimly on my incense burning next to me and I know.  I can breathe here.  It feels safe.  It feels right.  So why should I be in such a hurry to leave.  I need to embrace the faint light that dances with the darkness.  I'm before my very own "water source" and the repetitive rinsing is slowly bringing relief.  This path.  Right now, 

I can't take more than a little glow.

Too much light, too many answers would be blinding and scare me back into dark corner where I am so used to hiding.  As long as there is a little glimmer in the distance, as long as our eyes are cloudy and not blind, I believe, we will make it.

After all, there are a tribe of hands pulling us along when we need pain relief.


  1. Oh yes. We'll make it. There is so much of my own journey in this post. You are exactly where you need to be.

    1. Your words give such hope. Thank you friend. Love!

  2. I'm always moved reading your posts, Willow. For my part, I still feel like I'm looking for that "tribe of hands." :( I wish I'd hurry up and find them.

    1. I treasure this tribe here. Online. I make wishes to the stars that somehow I will find my own group locally but that has not been the case yet, so I'm treasuring the sojourners that live far away. You are here. You are loved. I welcome you as a fellow tribe member in my circle. :)

  3. First so glad your husband is okay. I read recently in a book, "who's to say what normal is?" Our normals are all different. Your normal now is different than your normal was even a month ago. This is 110% okay. Celebrate this.

    And I get this. Take as much time as you need for your vision to get used to the new light.

    1. This is so so true. There is no "normal" is there. I'm glad to hear it. So glad. Thank you for this encouragement.

  4. I love love love your blog.....I am so glad I found it.

  5. I was where you are not so long ago Willow.. the light grew brighter though and now it is all around me & finally I can see the path before me.

    Your journey will amble along in it's own time, having your own tribe to help you along the way is just right :)